I hope you are in a good place and state of mind despite the never-ending pandemic. It´ been a while since my last post and I guess as a songwriter I will always prefer to share my thoughts through the art of song. However, now and then there is an urgency to be more direct, detailed and honest in the way we communicate what´s going on inside an artist soul. I want to talk about my journey from painting to music creation and back and how much one can lose oneself in self-sabotage and negative self-talk. I am glad to be where I am today artistically, but that was´t always so.
For years and years I hadn’t picked up a paint brush or even a pencil to paint or draw. Drawing was my first love. I started as a 3 year old and drew almost every day way into my teenage years and beyond. It was always something I enjoyed and people received my works well and cheered me on. I love visual art. And yet, there are no words that could render accurately how much more music means to me! How much a good song can feed into my soul.
I started to write songs 14 years ago and kept it a secret for a very long time. I guess I was being protective of my passion. Writing songs came naturally and easy but performing is harder to accomplish for me. Firstly because I cannot do it by myself (but am in need of help from actual musicians) and secondly because I have clear visions but my vocal skills are very limited, leading to frustrations. I suffer a lot for the gift that means the most to me! And that is ok.
Unlike with my paintings, in music I had never gotten the praise or encouragemen from people close to me. And I concluded that I sucked in every aspect- my performances as much as my writing. In consequence I stopped to paint because every time somebody complimented my paintings, I likewise thought of the neglect my music received.
Ditching music making wasn’t an option though. Music I relate directly to my core, my soul, my entire being (the good and the bad), whereas paintings are just a mindless (which by its definition isn’t a bad thing at all though) layer on the surface that was always fun and joyful, but never as ambiguously important to my self-expression. In a way painting was something that was given to me whereas in musicmaking something has to give!
And maybe that’s a healthy balance. I learned to accept the neglect and the many failures of my life and started to pick up the brushes again over a year ago. I understand that even the most shallow layer of paint is worthy as well and isn’t in competition with my music. I accepted that if people might never want to dive deeper, that that is their decision and not mine and if my music doesn’t ever find a home in peoples hearts, then it will still have a home in mine.
I also am still learning that the things that come easy aren’t to be dismissed as invaluable just because they don’t feed the ego and do not evoke a sense of merit. Instead what comes easy is unconditionally meant for us. I am glad to have matured and am now at a point of accepting the hurt and embracing my musical efforts for what they are: A work in progress that will hopefully continue for many many years!
Likewise I am happily painting again!! 🙏🏻
In the future I might work less as a performing artist and more as a songwriter, accepting the talents I was given (which are in the creating not the interpreting artistic domain) rather than fighting for the things that aren’t meant to be. A first project will be shared here very soon! One of my fave artist friends cut one of my songs and I couldn’t be happier! It strangely fills me with pride where there should be none for my songs just come to me. I merely receive them! I should have nothing but gratefulness in my ❤️!
P.s. No one can stop me from singing a little though 😉 New album is in the making! Yay! More updates soon.